Surprises in Adoption

Let me start this post by saying I am an adoption advocate.  We have adopted 4 times.  It is a beautiful thing.  I love each of my children dearly and would not choose any other way than adopting them into our family.  But whenever I talk to anyone considering adoption, I do my best to be honest about the difficulties that can also accompany that process. I once had a friend tell me that from the outside looking in, adoption was such a romantic notion.  And it certainly is the "in" thing to do right now among celebrities, and even among Christians.  But I have heard stories over the years, and even during the last week, that lead me to believe that many people are jumping into the adoption process without adequate preparation.  So I write this blog post to anyone considering adoption, encouraging you to count the cost before you allow your heart leeway to rule over your actions.

In a very simple sense, my advise to all considering adoption is to investigate and educate thoroughly before you jump in there.  Talk to other adoptive families; both in person and online.  Understand that from the standpoint of some, adoption is a business and you cannot trust everything everyone says.  I never want to discourage people from adopting.   But what I want to encourage and see more hosting programs encourage is education and transparency.   I have known of children getting hosted without anyone ever mentioning to the family such issues as:  "there is an older sibling who will also have to be adopted";  "grandmother or aunt visits frequently and the child would not want to leave them"; or "this child has x behavior problems in the orphanage which most likely will continue if you adopt them."  This bothers me.

I have heard of hosting programs "guaranteeing" you a child.  But you need to know that the child you feel 100% God has called you to adopt, might get adopted by another family before you get there.  Some hosting or adoption programs will tell you that every orphan is longing for a family to come and whisk them away.  I will tell you from experience that you should give up 5-8 weeks of your life, knowing that, while in Ukraine, this child you have loved and worked for, might say to you, "no, I don't want a family." People (perhaps even you) will think your children are going to be so thankful that you came for them.  I say, fork out all that money knowing that your new child may never appreciate that you redeemed him.    Sometimes I think adoptive parents have even greater expectations for a child because of this notion that they should be "grateful".  I have, and still, fight this tendency, even while I, personally, am lacking in gratitude toward my heavenly Father.

 Please recognize that your family will have to make sacrifices for this new family member.  Be prepared for the fact that this child might have deep rooted psychological issues that need counseling or medication.  I mean he was orphaned through either death, abuse, neglect or abandonment. And he is leaving behind friends and the only culture he has ever known.  As some have said before, adoption, from the child's point of view, begins with trauma.  We are home, preparing our hearts for this child, missing them, loving them, anticipating their arrival.  They are  surviving day by day in an orphanage.  Don't be surprised when their love for you is not yet as strong as your love for them.  We sometimes go into adoption thinking we are "rescuing" a child.  More than likely, they are not feeling as if they need rescuing.  Will they say they want  a room and bed to call their own?  Yes.  Toys or a computer?  Certainly.  An education and other opportunity?  Probably.  A family?  Maybe.  But if you expect them to be overflowing with gratitude because you came and rescued them, you need to rethink why you are doing it.  Remember, this is a trauma for them, not a rescue.

Not only should you educate yourself on adoption in general, but if you meet a particular child and fall in love with him or her, find out as much as you can about them before you begin the adoption process.  If a facilitator gives you only positive information, you might need to look elsewhere.  Does she have siblings?  What ages?  Ask about his family; do they visit; does he visit them?  Has he ever run away?  Does he smoke?  Drink?  Is she promiscuous?  Don't make a decision based entirely on the answers to these questions.  Remember, you are educating yourself.  I, personally, adopted a child I was advised not to.  But I knew going in what to expect. If you, like me, feel called to adopt a certain child, no matter the issues he or she has, then, by all means, go for it.  In fact, in my position, the calling was so great that it was more of question of how could I not?  But, once again, don't expect a great earthly reward.  Sometimes, those dreams of sweet, cozy holidays holding hands around the table don't come true.  Sometimes, no matter how much you love, no matter what you give, you will be rejected.

Once again, I do not say this to discourage adoption.  I have had my own share of difficulties with all my children.    There have been times, when one or more of my children, both biological and adopted,  have been estranged and not communicating.  Even so, I will never say to anyone, "based on my experience and the experience of others, you should never adopt."  Just like I will never say "based on my experience with my biological children, you should never give birth!"  But just as young parents read books about a child's first few years, and consult pediatricians, and listen to advise from older parents, potential adoptive parents should educate themselves on issues related to bringing a new child into the family through adoption.  This especially applies to the adoption of older children.  As a disclaimer, I know children who have had few, if any problems, beyond normal childhood stuff.  I am writing this not to paint a bleak picture for every child and every family, but so that you can pray and act with wisdom and foresight.

If any of this surprises you, ponder for a moment your own redemption. Have you always appreciated Christ's redemption of you?  Did you, like me, ever say "no, I don't want you" or " I want you but only on my terms"? We might not say we would rather stay in bondage to our sins but do our actions show it?  How many times have you preferred bondage in Egypt over the Promised Land?  And yet Christ left His home in glory to be born in a stinky manger so that we would have the opportunity to become part of His family.  He lived among sinful people, was rejected and murdered by them, and never once backed down from what He was called to do.  Look at Jesus Christ and know that redemption is not easy.  Adoption is not easy.  Set your face toward Ukraine, or whatever country God might be calling you to adopt from, and be willing to suffer for someone else for no other reason than God is calling you to do so.  If you do it for any other reason, because its the "in" thing to do right now; because you feel "sorry" for a particular child; because you want to "rescue" him or her; because it makes you feel all warm and tingly on the inside, then STOP!  You don't lay down your life for those reasons.  God enables you to do what He calls you to do.  And, often, what He calls you to do is lay down your life for someone else.  Often, he calls us to suffer.    So make sure he is calling you to adopt before you do it.  Educate yourself as to what adoption might mean for you and your family.  Make sure you understand grace; both as it is received, and as it is given (Freely, you have received.  Freely give.)  And, finally, "beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4: 12-13)